I ask that you keep an open mind. This is one
of those things that is difficult for me to explain and open up to
others. It's one of those things where I've tried to explain and get
nothing but confused looks or reactions from family and friends, or
accused of being simply crazy from others. Originally I wanted to do
a podcast but then reminded myself how much of a difficult time I
have verbally explaining things to people whether it's because it
just sounds bizarre, and someone will ridicule me for it simply
because I'm very literal and they take it the wrong way or don't understand and their
response doesn't make sense and throws me off. For example, I was in
Atlanta one night working on a film project, and down the road across
the street I noticed what looked like a woman walking down the
sidewalk and then out of no were stops and just starts dancing. It
was so random to me that I had to tell someone about it. So I told
one of my coworkers wandering what he thought of it and all that he
gave me was “good for you”. How on earth was that good for me?
Not understanding his response I just walked away feeling confused
now more about my coworker's response rather than what I saw. Later
I came to the realization that he was just being rude and that good
for you apparently means I don't give a damn. (I sometimes have a hard time picking up on social cues, which is common in people on the spectrum, but I want to talk about that more another time)
As a kid, I would hear my parents say the same
thing. “Oh she's just living in her own world”, “Stop sitting
there like a stump on a log” whenever I'm just sitting on the
couch staring into space or processing my thoughts, I'll hear my
mom say “there she goes again back into her own world”, right
when I zone out for a second to disconnect and recharge myself so
that I can continue hanging out with my friends or family. I think
she can see it in my eyes and face because that is where I feel it the
most. I feel my face relax and my eyes dilate.
I don't think a lot of people realize how much
goes through my brain. Sometimes it feels like static rushing through
my brain at the speed of light and I have to slow it down into actual
thought. There are times when my thoughts are so loud I feel like it
screams at me, and it becomes overwhelming. I have to zone out just
to process everything that goes through my brain. I tried to keep a journal but had trouble figuring out what to write about and also couldn't figure out how to write it down. My thoughts were so fogged up, staticky, and fast it was difficult to write down.
When I was little I would always daydream to
help process things. Doing this also provided me a place to mentally
go to where things made sense. As I got older and become more adapting
to the world through therapy and dietary changes, my daydreaming
lessened, and changed to imagine having a casual conversation with
various actors whenever I feel like I am stuck on something and
don't know how to reach out to someone. Sometimes I go so deep into
my thoughts that I start interacting with them in real life by simply
moving my hands slightly. The same way others do when they have
conversations with someone. I accidentally did this at work once. I
was out on location in the middle of nowhere working on a film
project with no urgent responsibilities to do at that moment except
for stand and wait, (there is a lot of that in film, standing and
waiting) at this point it's been a good nine hours and who knew how
many were left, from exhaustion I subconsciously just went into my
deep thoughts, started pacing and moving my hands. My boss caught me
doing it and casually asked, “Lena, are you having a
conversation with yourself?” I could tell he wasn't mad at me and was curious and slightly amused. So I just said, “Yeah
sorry sometimes that happens.” He just slightly nodded and made
sure not to let it happen. I didn't exactly teach myself or have
someone suggest this to me, it's just something that I started to
subconsciously do. But even that has lessened since I have been with
my husband and started working on my writing.
Now that I have been writing more and become
more serious about my writing, I feel like I can channel my thoughts
to something and give them a purpose and not just have them rush
through my head randomly. With my husband, I can come home after a
crappy day at work, where everything that happened makes no logical
sense, and I can at least explain how I'm feeling without being
laughed at. Or When he does laugh it's more with me than at me.
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