Change

 

Change is inevitable it is also the one thing that a lot of Autistics don't like.

A lot of people on the spectrum are routine-oriented. Whether we plan to be so or not. My grandmother would say, “Lena you are so predictable”; I would argue back, “No I'm not”. I hated being predictable. And didn't want to be so. But it was true. Whenever I went to visit her I would often go to the barn and back to the house like clockwork. To my defense I was bored. I didn't have much to do other than listen to music in the barn while cleaning the stalls and going back to get a drink and eat. But I loved being around horses so therefore I didn't care. For years I would say that the only thing that we would need to know about me is that I love reading books and being around horses. Give me a reading nook in a horse barn and I would be in heaven. You would never see me. I would gladly sit there reading to my horses. Unfortunately, I didn't always have a book with me, so I would get lost in my uncontrollable thoughts and pace around in circles.

In school, I would walk around the school or hang out in the library before class started. I always carried an extra book that I would be reading. Sometimes I still do so. It's sort of comforting to have a book even just to carry around. At work, I make sure to read only during my break. I guess books are the odd object that I cling to for comfort. Someone asked me once what my odd object of comfort is. I had to ask what exactly did they mean by that. They explained that they heard that people on the spectrum get attached to unusual objects for comfort such as chains, and spoons. At the time I couldn't think of an answer to give. I didn't consider books as an odd object of comfort. A lot of people consider books as comforting. I did know someone who carried spoons around. It's not like we go around saying “I'm Autistic and I choose this spoon as my object of comfort”. I guess for most people they see kids carrying a blanket or teddy and think that's cute, But when they see someone carrying a box, rock, or spoon then that is odd. Well, I think that they are odd for not considering that everyone has something comforting. One has to have something that is comforting in this crazy world.

I never really went to the extent of eating certain meals on certain days like some people do. Even though pizza Fridays with a movie or show is always fun. But I am a creature of habit. My bedroom never changed other than my furniture shifted around into different layouts over time. Once it got painted the first time it stayed green with a horse border running along the top from 2001 to 2019. My friend asked me why I never changed my room once. To be honest I didn't feel the need to change it because it still reflected who I am.

During high school, I would walk laps go to the library, or find a place in the cafeteria to finish homework before my first class. Then after a full day of school, I will go home eat a snack, and watch TV before my sister comes home and takes the remote. Then I work on homework for a few hours, while getting distracted by nothing and everything. There are phases where I will eat the same snack every day while watching certain shows such as eating an apple while watching Pony Pals. However, due to school, I had a structured routine that remained the same throughout my childhood.

Even throughout college, I had a form of routine, as I would attend class and then go to work on certain days. It flexed because my classes changed every semester, but for work, the shift stayed the same, from mid to closing, with Sundays being the only day that I would work open to close.

Going into the film industry is when my routines went out the door. In the film industry, your schedule comes out daily. You convince yourself that it's fine. That you are ok, and it gets to the point where you believe it.

Once I realized that choosing the film industry wasn't for me, I found myself working part-time at Home Depot while I worked on my writing. At first, I worked in the back office where I began my shift every day at five in the morning. But then they moved me to paint, which I like much better than the office, as it's much more creative. Unfortunately, because I am part-time my schedule is all over the place. One day I'll open and then the next day I'll close, and sometimes it's vice-versa. Other times I'm working mid-shift or even in other departments. It wasn't until Home Depot that I admitted to myself how crucial it is to have a routine. When I don't have a routine I lose mental energy, get disorganized, overwhelmed, and shut down. Honestly, I noticed this in myself when I was in film and convinced myself it was nothing. This is normal.

With my goal of writing books along with this blog. I have been struggling with coming up with a set schedule for my writing time. So I write my my schedule out on a calendar as soon as my work schedule comes out. That has helped a little at least to where I can keep my projects going into the black hole of attempts and forgotten.

I can change my availability but as soon as I do my hours will go down even further than what they are and I'm not working enough hours as it is. I've been looking for full-time because that is the only way I would get a nine-to-five schedule. Unfortunately, that is going to take some time. Things that take time are worth it. With everything that has been going on in a year not only did one of my befriends die last July but so did my aunt a week ago from cancer. I need a change!